Back in Berlin, baby!

 "I don't know if I'm the same Camille or if I'm actually a different Camille, and whether I should be."

- “You're a different Camille." - “We've all changed in the past 10 weeks. A lot has happened in the past 10 weeks."

This is from a video call I had with two Berlin friends on September 14th, the day before my flight back. They were right: a lot had happened this summer.

I visited family I hadn't seen in years as well as dearly missed college friends. I went to Disney World, a Beyonce concert, and my first National Association of Black Journalists Conference in Birmingham, Alabama. My first time living in Tampa, Florida, was refreshing, fun, and sweltering.

But during my last week in the States, I kept wondering if I had made the most of my summer. On one hand, I did plenty of what I wouldn't be able to do in Germany, such as suffering through The Bachelorette with my mother and re-watching Supernatural. On the other hand, I wondered: was I productive enough, introspective enough? Was I really ready for another 10 months in Berlin-- even though I knew what to expect this time around?

The constants from last year should be comforting to me: I'm still a Fulbright English Teaching Assistant at the same high school. Basically all my friends from the Fulbright program and church are staying in Berlin. The main change is a welcome one: a cheaper apartment with fewer housemates in a safer neighborhood.

Yet, a need for newness of experience compels me. One reason I applied for a second year was to follow through on more of the goals I had for last year but didn't have time to accomplish. Like starting an extra-curricular club, freelancing for a publication, and pursuing more performance opportunities through my dance studio. 

But what's so different about me now that I can pull those things off? If they were too much for me last year, how do I know it won't be too much again? Where the heck is this self-doubt coming from and how long do I have until it consumes me? 

In the midst of this, I googled "How to set goals."

Apparently, goals need to be attached to specific timeframes. And be realistic. Most of my goals tend to oscillate between "soon" and "later.”  I often wake up unburdened by the expectations of future and past, doomed to keep attempting a never-ending to-do list. It's like ADHD Groundhog Day. 

Of course, tying my goals to abstract concepts such as "priority," "schedule," and "times of day,” helps me be effective in my planning. It doesn't stop me, however, from being occasionally delusional. 

For example, before my final week in Berlin in June, I felt that if I didn't somehow squeeze the last 10 graveyards (out of the nearly 200 in Berlin) into my schedule, I would be a failure. Fortunately, my friends helped dissuade me of this notion so I could focus on other things, like packing and saying goodbye to people. They reminded me that I had the wonderful privilege to go home, rest, and return. After all, Berlin wasn’t going anywhere. 

And so all summer long, I lived in the present, blocking out future worries as Banana Boat does UV radiation. 

It wasn’t until I boarded the plane at the Tampa airport, that I finally appreciated all the ways I gave it my all last year, instead of what I didn’t do. 

How I visited nearly 150 graveyards and strove to see all parts of Berlin. I learned on the job within the German education system, and know I did my absolute best to encourage students. I saw family in Austria for the first time, enjoyed the splendors of Paris with my mom, and explored various other European cities, alone and with friends. I absorbed as much history and culture as possible and shared it on this blog. I had unforgettable moments of warmth, laughter, realness with new friends at karaoke nights, movie nights, and hangouts in the park.

I’m always trying to do too much. But that also means I have a lot of experiences to be grateful for. 

That said, here are some goals and reminders to keep me grounded during my time in Berlin. 

1. Ride a bike! I just realized I still know how to do this after a ride through the farmland of Wisconsin with friends. I know the saying goes that you can’t forget to ride a bike, but I had to experience this one for myself to believe it. Berlin is also the perfect city for bike riding, because it very flat. 

2. Do less. Be content with less. Don’t do more. More is bad. More is stressful. Simple is good! Doing nothing is good! You got 4 hours of sleep last night — you don’t have to leave the house again today after work, you silly insomniac!

3. Don’t lose debit card.

As I finish writing this post, I’m more than one week into assistant teaching. Since it’s only 12 hours a week, I have a lot of free time, which for some reason stresses me out as much as it excites me. If I stay disciplined, motivated, and if I don’t overthink things, I’ll steadily build up content on this blog and on other forums.

My next post (I think) will be about my first time at Oktoberfest, which I attended last week.  So stay tuned and thanks for reading! So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye!